Last week I was in my new local Burbank Target at lunchtime. My buddy Timmy P. had to buy stuff for home, so we went on our lunch hour. I was just happy to escape the building, even if it meant shopping first and not eating unitl 12:30. At least, I thought I was. But by 12:25 I was pretty hungry.
Easter candy. My redemption.
Now, I haven't bought any Easter candy for a few years. It's kind of a lame story, but I'll tell you anyway. It's the one thing in life that I can't resist. You know how some people binge on food, alcohol or drugs? I don't. But set me in front of a bag of Jelly Beans and I'm done. I'll cram so many of them into my maw that it'll hurt. Twenty minutes to polish off a bag (leaving the black licorice, of course).
When I was four years old I ate so many I got physically ill. Like, puked all over. Now, most smart people would therefore associate eating jelly beans with being sick. I have friends that can't even smell Tequilla today because of a college jaunt gone bad years ago. My uncle still can't eat cherry candy because he was eating a cherry lollipop when the wicked witch in Snow White was running her evil mojo. And that was fifty years ago.
But no. I am not smart. I still eat and eat and eat.
Anyway, back to Target. I get into the aisles (oh yes, there are many aisles) of Easter candy. Lots of M&M products, I honestly even saw Christmas M&Ms in there somewhere. And who thought of painting Candy Corn all pastel-y and sell it for Easter? Idiots! It's Halloween candy, for the love of God! Reese peanut butter filled eggs. Butterfinger filled eggs. Nestle Crunch filled eggs. Cookies N Creme filled eggs. Every damn flavor-filled eggs. Every candy known to man, even.
Except Jelly Beans.
I finally find some, the Starburst brand ones. Good enough.
Of course, that afternoon at work I ate most of the bag, and started to feel ill. Showing more restraint at 26 than I did at 4, I closed the bag and put it in my desk drawer. For a few minutes. Then it was back to cramming my maw.
Obviously I was done with the bag by Friday. I stopped in to Wal*Mart to see what THEY had for Easter candy. Three rows. Another of just baskets and that plastic grass stuff. They have to have some great Jelly Beans.
I search around for a few minutes. The fat guy behind me was ramming his mechanical wheelchair/scooter up my ass. Easter bunnies, hollow, solid, filled with Reese peanut butter, filled with Butterfingers, filled with Nestle Crunch ... what the hell? I grab a nice white chocolate bunny (my second favorite Easter candy). I ask one of the Wal*Mart drones what the dillio is. "Where are my Beans, bitch?"
She replies like a Jhonen Vasquez Invader Zim character. Paunch belly. Vacant eyes. Drool slowing forming at the corners of her mouth. "Over there. There are also some by the customer service desk."
I look "over there". Bubblegum filled eggs. Seriously. Eggs filled with gum. And no Beans.
The customer service desk at Wal*Mart - for sure the last stop on the downward spiral towards hell for reincarnated child molesters. How would you like the white trash of America to actually feel power and shout over you all day? It's also the last stop for the really crappy merchandise at Wal*Mart - which is saying alot, too.
Out in front of the smelly line was a big bin, I'm not kidding you it was a good four feet square, of rusted chickenwire holding in a thousand bags of Jelly Beans.
I get closer: Brand X Jelly Beans. Fi' fo a dolla.
So my question is this - is it just LA? Do they not sell Jelly Beans in LA? Is this some freaky regional thing like Burger King selling Tacos in the California or the McDonalds Lobster Sandwich in Maine? Or is it some newfangled trend grown over the past three years, the three years that I've skipped buying Easter candy? Maybe it's a grand government conspiracy?!? I mean seriously, what the hell is going on!?! I want my Jelly Beans. Now.
Luckily my birthday/Easter care package my parents included Jelly Beans. Sure, I ate them all in two days, but it was a key two days. I'm good now for a year or so. So next year at this time you mega-corporate super-stores better be ready with my mo-frackin' Beans.
Last Updated on: April 1, 2002
© 2002-2004 Joshua Paul Edwards
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