Don't Go See Jurassic Park 3


Never ever ever.

If you trust my view on movies in general, you'll just take that answer and run with it. For those of you who still might be inclined to see it, I offer these several points as reasons, not all the reasons, mind you, but many reasons NEVER EVER to see this film.

Now, I am a Michael Crichton junkie. I love all of his books. They're pretty much Hollywood movies on paper - very little description, plots that are easy to sum up in fifty words or less, somewhat stock characters who are put in extraordinary situations and struggle through, becoming a better person in the end, and sometimes even falling in love. The books flirt with cutting edge technology, mystery and the human psyche. They're damn cool.

I loved the book Jurassic Park. I read it before the movie came out, before I knew about the movie, and said, "This would make a great movie - if only they could do the dinosaurs realistically." Then the movie came out when I was seventeen - and I was totally into it. Computer animation was new, the dinosaurs looked so real, the raptors were freaky and scary as hell.

Plus, quite a few people died. Hey, if dinosaurs are running around people are going to be dying left and right. Great suspense, great science fiction. But beyond that, Ian Malcolm breaks his leg. That was one of the most realistic moments in a big horror movie. If a group of "average" people are being chased by anyone, dinosaurs, the boogie man, Carrottop, someone's going to break something sometime. Granted, Malcolm was supposed to die in the book, but adaptations usually lose something in the translation.

The second book was okay, all about chaos and junk. Oddly, it wasn't a sequel to the first book, but a sequel to the first film, as Ian Malcolm was the main character. He never made it in the first book. But that wasn't the only change going on, if you saw the second film, you would have no idea what the book was about. Other than the title (cribbed in its own part by an old film), nothing about the book and the movie were the same. Oh, but we got hunky Vince Vaughn, sexy Julianne Moore and that gymnastic girl who took on raptors by herself --- and won. Yeah, suspend your disbelief at the door.

And that was part of the magic of the first film, suspending your disbelief. Dinosaurs walked the earth! On film! You saw it! It looked real! Wow!

That first shot of the brontosaurus eating the tree and standing up on its hind legs, well, that scene will go down in history as groundbreaking.

But that was 1993. This is 2001. We've seen so many computer effects now that it's not even mind-blowing in the least. Well, maybe the "Pearl Harbor" stuff. But we've seen dragons, aliens, Godzilla, freakin' Jar-Jar. Computer stuff ain't what it used to be.

But here it is again, recycled yet again for your viewing enjoyment.

You know the story, Dr. Grant (from the first film/book) is hired to take a man and a woman on a flight over the second island. Great. Easy as pie. Of course something goes horribly wrong, and they're stuck on the island.

If this is so easy, why does it take them so long to get to the damn island?!?! Honestly, the first thirty minutes is just setting this up. And since the film is a merciful 92 minutes long, that's a full third of the flick! See Dr. Grant lecturing. See Dr. Grant with friends. See Dr. Grant at the dig site. Jesus! Get to the dinosaurs! Get to the suspense! Get to the story!

Oh, shoot, there is no story.

They fly over the island. They get stuck on the island. They try to get off of the island.

And that's the whole story.

True, there are a few clever moments - the first time we see a T. Rex is pretty cool, and the kid in this film has a very Princess Mononoke scene, whupping some Raptor ass. I guess I should say believably whupping the Raptor ass (to distinguish it from that chick in 2. Argh! I hate her!) But the rest of the film is so very unbelievable that you're almost shouting at the screen, "No, you idiots! Don't do that!!!"

And if you've seen the trailer, you know there's a new dinosaur. "Sounds like a T. Rex." "No. It's something ... BIGGER." What?!? Bigger than T. Rex? C'mon. John Hammond and In-Gen were so excited to make a T. Rex - now you're gonna tell me that they forgot to tell anyone that they made T. Rex's big brother? And where was this dude during the whole second film?!? The same goes for the pterodactyls. "What is this? It looks like an ... aviary ..." "Skwak! Skwak!" Oh no! Heavens!

Two new dinosaurs are not enough to keep this movie going.

Beyond this general lack of a story, there is no point. I mean, no theme. No underlying current, even if it's as generic as, "people shouldn't tamper with nature" or the like. Nothing. And there's no villain. Sure, the double cross in 2 was pretty hokey, but still it was someone to root against. Not in this one. The action unfurls in front of you, and you don't care one bit. William H. Macy - why? And whoever cast Tea Leoni in this flick, ugh. WRONG CHOICE! The kid was fine, if you HAVE to have one in each flick, the sidekick was okay, Michael Jeter can rot in hell please, and Sam Neill - I just hope they gave you lots of money. Lots and lots of money.

Then, poof, it's the end. And you're like, "no way. That's the END?" You just sit there, waiting for the big bad to make one more AAARGGGH!

But he doesn't.

And then you go home.

And then you write to all of your friend NOT to see this film.

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Last Updated on: July 19, 2001

© 2001-2004 Joshua Paul Edwards

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