I am so over my crush on Alicia Silverstone. So over.

Tuesday night one of my bands, Goldfinger, was on that Carson Daly show "Last Call with Carson Daly". You know, the show that's on after Conan on NBC?

Since I am an old man and can't stay up to even see Letterman, nevermind Conan, I set the old VCR to tape it. Goldfinger doesn't get on TV much (even though they've made a rad video or two). Last time they were on Late Night, the drummer, Darrin, full-on tackled Conan to the ground. For some reason they weren't on the show ever again after that.

Now, I think that Carson Daly is, well ... a massive tool (thanks Jimmy Fallon!). TRL is not my speed by any means, but it is what it is. But when Carson goes out and disses TRL, which made him, I find him the cheesiest. Thus he's a massive tool.

So I was glad that I didn't have to watch the entire show to see the band play (why they picked "Tell Me" as their next single is really odd, as I think it's the lamest song on the album, but I digress). That meant I just had to fastforward through the show to get to it.

Wednesday morning I wake up happy and throw the tape into rewind and get to where the band should be. I went a little too far back, however, and see who Carson's guest is.

Alicia Silverstone.

Now, those of you who know me well know that in 1995 I started what I thought was going to be a life-long crush on Alicia. Dude, "Clueless" was awesome and funny and she was hot and cute and ... (sigh) ... it was perfect. And there were the "Crazy/Amazing/Crying" videos for Aerosmith ... damn.

But then in 1997 came "Batman and Robin" and "Excess Baggage", which I really couldn't get behind. (Although since then I've discovered Max Adams' website. See, she wrote, and hates, "Excess Baggage". It's pretty amusing.)

It was after "Blast From the Past", however, when I almost threw in the towel. I was waiting for one more bad movie to just give up. Just one more bad, bad flick.

But it never happened. In fact, no movies happened. She fell off the damn planet! She was gone. Rumor had it she gain two to three hundred pounds and ate babies for lunch. That she didn't shave her legs or believe in deodorant. That she was the closest thing to the unibomber since, well, the unibomber.

Yet I still held out some hope that she wasn't dumb and stupid and fat and ugly. I wanted her comeback to be brilliant. Better than Connery in "The Untouchables".

Nope. No films at all.

And now she's in "The Graduate" on Broadway with Chris Klein. Yikes. And someone said that she's going to be in "Child's Play 5" - which is odd because I didn't even know that they made "Child's Play 4". Whatever.

Anyway, she was Carson's guest. And she looked horrible. I could only bring myself to watch the very end of the interview. Now, I don't think Carson's the best interviewer out there, but shit, this was a mess far out of his control. She was giggly and inarticulate and ... man, was it just sad.

In the four or five minutes I saw Carson actually stopped at one point and said, "Are you high?" And it wasn't a joke. "Are you high?" He was serious. That's how bad it was.

And right then I threw in the towel. I'm not going to defend her to anyone again. I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the Carson Daly clip ends, I will fight no more.

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