Coming soon to a theater near you

The corpse of the Summer of 2001 isn't even cold in the ground yet, but already Hollywood is courting a new mistress - the Summer of 2002.

Billboards for "Triple X" are already up in town. Oh, you haven't heard of the film? Well, I guess that makes sense, as they haven't really shot it yet.

Oh but the hype has already started. Look for the picture at multiplexes near you - on July 26, 2002. See, hot young hunk Vin Diesel (fresh from this summer's hit "The Fast and the Furious" - 'hit' being relative as I do not know one person who saw the motion picture) is a super spy - okay ... it's just James Bond with Vin Diesel. That's it, really.

Not quite a fresh idea, but still unknown enough that the pre-show hype begins forty-seven weeks out. Luckily for the marketers of these films, other Summer of 2002 offerings have name-brand recognition built in.

Such as "Austin Powers 3: Goldmember". Yes, I'm serious. You can reunite with Dr. Evil, Fat Bastard and Austin on July 26, 2002. Hey, the same day as "Triple X"! How odd.

Amongst the recent Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman divorce news you've might have already heard about "Minority Report" that Mr. Cruise is producing and starring in. Yeah, this guy Spielberg is directing?

Also coming soon are the live-action "Scooby-Doo", Tobey Maguire as "Spider-Man", the sequels that nobody are waiting for - "Men in Black 2" and "Stuart Little 2".

And I have to mention "Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones"?

As for fine family faire, DreamWorks animation, yes, those artisans who brought you "Prince of Egypt" and "The Road to El Dorado" are releasing "Spirit: Stallion of Cimarron", and Disney is dropping off Chris Sander's "Lilo and Stitch".

Phew! That's a laundry list of films to check out. The sad part is, I'm only really psyched for one of them - "Lilo and Stitch". And I already know a lot about that already.

I would venture a guess that this is the ONE original idea on this entire list. Look at them, really: First we have a cheesy spy movie with some guy we really don't care about. Then we have this Vin Diesel movie. A sequel to the letdown Men in Black. A "reimagining" of Spider-Man. A sequel to that Jar-Jarfest "Episode I". A cheesy ass live-action "Scooby-Doo". A sequel to the lame "Stuart Little". And another glossy star vehicle for Mr. Cruise.

I've ranted and raved about this past summer, how most of the films were sucky. But I'll admit I caught a few little gems in there, a couple of nice moments among them. This next summer, whoo-doggie. Looks like it's time to renew my library card.

At least Hollywood is giving us advance warning.

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Last Updated on: September 06, 2001

© 2001-2004 Joshua Paul Edwards

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