So last Friday amidst the general work confusion of me almost getting fired, I started looking in the classified ads for a new job.
But did I look at the "LA Times"?
Did I look at the "Daily News"?
I looked at the "Portland Press Herald".
Yup. Portland Maine.
I always like to have a backup plan. What did Q say to James Bond? "Always have a backup plan, and never let them see you bleed." Yeah, I like that.
So I was looking for Communications jobs in Maine/Northern New England which require no real qualifications, that paid lots of money. And one that, hopefully, wouldn't make me bleed. You'd think I'd be out of luck, but I found a few leads.
My favorite was a small town newspaper in Claremont, NH - they're looking for young reporters. I was a editor of my high school newspaper! We put out seven whole issues! I could do that!
I looked up Claremont on a map. It appears to be a small town on the border of Vermont. Sweet. I've always wanted to live in Vermont. I love the green license plates. Plus, that's where Ben and Jerry are from. Vermont is rad.
That got me to thinking of the series finale of "NewsRadio". Jimmy James, the wacky owner of WNYX, sells the station and retires to New Hampshire. But he's easily bored, so he buys a radio station and a newspaper in the small New Hampshire town. Then he hires away the WNYX staff to go to New Hampshire for him.
Then I got thinking of "Newhart". Wasn't that set in Vermont?
Bingo! My life could be a sitcom! A horrible, horrible sitcom that lasts two weeks!
Think of it. A small town New England boy heads to Los Angeles to make it big in, say ... the field of animation. He works for the former leader in the field, only to be fired for, well ... a somewhat scandalous journalistic endeavor. Sick of Los Angeles and the freaks who run it, he gives up, moves back to New England, and starts as a rookie reporter for a small town newsrag.
Then there's the cast. It would be wacky. Kind of like that show that's on before "ER". You know, the one that I've never really watched. Like, it's set in Miami at this morning show full of crazy characters, I think? They have a nun who does the weather or something? And a hot little red-haired secretary or plumber or something. I saw an ad once. It looked high-concept.
My show would have a wacky printer (preferably French Canadian - they're good to mine for laughs!) and the guy who owns the paper would be eccentric and fat and jolly. Possibly gay, too, to corner that audience. You know, "gay" is the new "black". The owner would have this hot young daughter or ... ooh! ohh! A hot young granddaughter who wants to be a reporter, but is always stuck being the receptionist. And then a red haired young photographer with a sweater vest. We'll call him Jimmy.
My character would be overly handsome and overly dressed. There'd be a whole episode where my best shoes get ruined in the April mud - and I have a hot date with the gay jolly boss's hot granddaughter that night!! Think of the comedy! I'd end up borrowing the gay jolly boss's red fuck-me pumps with matching fishnet hose. By mistake Jimmy Olsen takes a photo of me getting dressed, and somehow it ends up on the front page of the newspaper the next morning! Hilarity ensues!
I was about to mine this comedy gold for all it was worth, but then I found out that I wasn't going to be fired. So I left this dream to wallow in the development hell that is my brain. But someday ...
Last Updated on: November 5, 2002
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