What I thought of the Episode II teaser.

Sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Suckity-sucked.

I know it's only a teaser but dammit, show us something we want to see. Jar Jar Binks' head on a damn pike. Yup. Open the trailer with that. Not even the Fox or Lucasfilm logos. His head pops into frame, pull back to reveal ... I dunno ... that alien space captain from Japan there, yeah, him. Have that guy holding a spear driven through the base of Jar Jar's thick skull. Whoo-hoo! That's a teaser!

Honestly, I am a fan of the early Star Wars films. A big fan. But not the Phantom Menace. No sir. Old George Lucas and his ego have run amok now, virtually unchecked by criticism, budget, storytelling rules and the basic rules of his own universe that he created twenty years ago. Midichloreans? WTF?

Old George Lucas has killed his own franchise. Part of the appeal of the Star Wars films when I was younger was that they didn't cater to my demographic. Darth Vader killed people ... his own people, without remorse. How evil is that?!? Young Lucas didn't care if little five year olds saw that. It propelled the story. Hell, it WAS the story. I might not have known what was going on, but I knew who the bad guys were!!

What was very cool was that these films appealed to little kids, big kids, and adults. Part fantasy, part western, part gangster, part sci-fi - something for everyone. They're not science fiction, they never call "space" "space", they aren't astronauts, it's not a big deal to fly to Alderan. That's just a backdrop to the story. The films aren't gangster movies, either, although Jabba and Greedo and Han all have elements thereof. Aren't any horses, so it's not a western. Although we have princesses, this ain't no fantasy. This is something different.

And the fans reacted. Who doesn't like the early Star Wars movies? Sure, people find flaws, gaffs and mistakes. Huge websites are dedicated to which shots were reversed in editing, meaning Boba Fett's antenna is on the left side and not the right. No, the windshield to the Millennium Falcon doesn't match up from the inside shots to the outside shots. Plenty of lightsaber effects are done wrong, and doesn't Luke say, "Carrie" to Leia at one point? Hell, only hard-core fans find these mistakes. And don't get them started on Ewoks!

But I don't mind the fuzzy inhabitants of Endor. Or is that the moon of Endor? I forget. I'm not a hard-core fan - I was seven at the time, I didn't care. Sure, I can see where the hard-core fans wouldn't like the Ewoks. Fuzzy, cute, kidish. But I think it's good when hard-core fans of something disagree about a decision made. It shows some semblance of free thought. It fosters such great debate as, "Jedi is better than Empire!" "Nuh-huh!" "Yea-huh!" "Ewoks? Get real!" "So what. The end battle in Jedi rocks!" "Empire has the revelation about Anakin Skywalker!" "Jedi has the revelation about Luke and Leia!" "Empire has Colt fo'ty-five drinkin' Lando!" "Jedi had Princess Leia in a metal bikini!" (both) "Mmmmm, metal bikini ..."

The hard-core fans, however, have shot themselves in the foot by not speaking up about Jar Jar Binks. "He wasn't that bad." That's a load of horse shit!! Jar Jar from Episode I is the lamest creature ever to grace the silver screen. Pure and simple. He has no redeeming qualities, and isn't even helpful to the story whatsoever. It's so very frustrating!!! Argh!!! He ruined an already bad movie. And that's saying something.

So when people say that this new Episode II teaser (I'm not even going to say the real name of the film, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, because it's so very lame!) is darker and more real, I also cry, "baloney!" You can cut almost any movie into a short teaser trailer and make it look dark. Twenty-two shots from "The Lion King". Twenty-two shots from "The Muppet Movie". I swear it's possible. With no dialogue, quick shots and that Darth Vader breathing anything would look creepy.

But you know it's not dark. Freakin' Jar Jar is in the movie!! Hell, that flying junkman guy is in the trailer, he was silly and ethnic. The slapstick comedy relief will be there. Trust me.

Plus this is supposed to be the romance chapter. What?!? Since when is Star Wars supposed to have a romance chapter? What was so cool about the first three films is that they couldn't be classified. Empire has romance, Jedi has romance (and Leia's metal bikini!) but neither is the romance movie. Old George Lucas has lost it.

By not showing Jar Jar in the Episode II teaser, the filmmakers accept defeat. That half-second of Boba Fett flying into the clouds got a resounding "Whoop!" from my audience on Friday night. The hard-core fans don't want this movie, they want the promise of this movie. In jokes and set-ups to characters they know and love. They want the ideas behind the movie. Darth Vader is a bad ass, that kid from Episode I was a jackass, the fans are in love with the prospect of turning him evil. Sadly, however it's done is going to be lame. The poor fans can't accept that Old George Lucas has lost his edge. Young Lucas would have opened the teaser with a dead Jar Jar. Not that he would have ever put him in the first film, but still ...

I'm not looking forward to this film. I've been a Red Sox fan for my twenty-five years on the planet, being able to smell early defeat is natural for me. And this movie reeks.

home | e-mail

This page made with a Macintosh

Last Updated on: November 06, 2001

© 2001-2004 Joshua Paul Edwards

No user-serviceable parts inside.