Wouldn't that be rad?!?
Renny Harlin's Driven, starring Sylvester Stallone, Burt Reynolds, Estella Warren and, well, who cares after her?
What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Estella Warren. Yeah.
Anyway, so, yeah, Estella Warren. Oh, my point? Well, the headlines really read, "NY Group Names 'Drive' Film of Year". I guess the New York Film Critics Circle has selected David Lynch's Mulholland Drive as the best picture of 2001. They're so high-and-mighty that Renny Harlin is below them.
What's wrong with the tag line, "Welcome to the human race"?
I love Driven. Never really seen it, you know, but I love the idea. Everything about it is so horrible that it has to be a good movie.
First off, Renny Harlin is a horrible director.
Deep Blue Sea? The Long Kiss Goodnight? Cutthroat Island?? Cliffhanger? The Adventures of Ford Fairlane?!?
Freakin Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master?
His resume is a veritable feast of overblow films. Sure, he got lucky with Die Hard 2. Or someone else came in and fixed his mistakes. The rest of his resume is trash!
And the ads for Driven just made it seem like a chaotic mess. Cars flying around, quick cuts, MTV-style editing. Gah! "A young hot shot driver is in the middle of a championship season and is coming apart at the seams. A former CART champion is called in to give him guidance." A former CART champion played by Sylvester Stallone.
Oh yeah. It only gets better. Stallone - Rambo, Rocky, plays Joe Tanto. Rambo Rocky Tanto. How rad of a name is that?!?
Then there's Burt Reynolds. If anyone was ever a bigger parody of himself than Stallone, it's Reynolds. That's why I love Brodie in Mallrats, his constant Reynolds obsession. That, and he lives in his parent's basement reading comics and playing videogames all day long.
Anyway, Reynolds is rad because he knows how cheesy he is. And cheesy he is!
The film also stars Estella Warren, who you might know as the chick who was a model for Perry Ellis in men's magazines. Yeah, she was very scantily clad in most of the photos. Now, I don't exactly know what a Perry Ellis is, but dammit, sign me up for three of them. No, make it four. If Estella likes them, I'll buy four. Whatever they are. Four of them.
And she's Canadian, too, so she must be nice.
But can she act? God, who knows. Probably not. She's a model! She probably doesn't know her own name!
Sign her up for a Stallone/Reynolds picture, directed by Hackmeister Harlin!
In fact, she's probably the only reason that I would see this picture. So at least they got something right in the mix ...
Although it's probably not the best picture of the year ...
Last Updated on: December 15, 2001
© 2001-2004 Joshua Paul Edwards
Don't feed the animals.