03/28/04 - The oddest birthday present ever.

So as you all know my birthday is this coming Tuesday. I had hoped for a pretty quiet one this year. But that's not gonna happen.

It's already been nuts.

I should have known it was going to be ... odd ... when my "friend" from work asked for my address. Okay, he really is my friend, not just a "friend", but he used to be a better friend back when I first moved here. That's mean. But it's true. He's done some jackass things to me, most notably including saying some mean things about now ex-girlfriend back when we first started dating. (See, I'm not being totally shallow. I have reasons.)

Anyway, he's got a twin brother, too. Odd.

So last week my friend e-mails me at work, asks for my address. Apparently his brother wants to send me a present. I tell him my address. Twin-boy writes to me, saying that I have to be home at noon on Saturday, March 27th to receive a package. Okay.

Saturday rolls around, and after spending all morning talking to my best friend from high school, it's almost noon. My roommate, asks if I want to go to Old Town Pasadena shopping. "Sure, I just have to sign for this package at noon. Then we'll go."

At noon nothing happens. 12:20 rolls around, and the phone rings. Someone is downstairs at the gate, I can barely hear them. Sounds like she said, "Hi, it's Kimmy." I buzz her in.

I go out the door, and it's not a FedEx or UPS delivery person coming up the walk. Odd. It's a thin blonde woman, probably in her mid-30s, with some kind of bag over her shoulder.

She asks if I'm Josh. Odd. I'm confused. Well, not about my name, more about who she is. Is this one of my roommate's friends that I've met and forgotten? Hmm.

Then she asks if I have a roommate. Odd. I say I do, that she's at home. I'm confused. That pretty much rules out that she's one of my roommate's friends.

She must be a masseuse. Yes. A masseuse. That's it. But don't they carry a big table, like Phoebe on "Friends"?

She has no table.

Kimmy can tell that I'm confused. She asks if I have a special occasion coming up.

"Birthday. Tuesday."

"Oh, that must be it", she says.

She comes into the apartment. My roommate comes out of her room. "Jill, Kimmy, Kimmy, Jill."

"So I'm Kimmy from Pretty Maids, I'm here to clean your apartment in the nude."


I get the cell phone and try one of the brothers. Not home. "So hey, just wanted to give you a call, yeah, looks like the Dodgers are going to lose to the Tigers huh? The game being in the eighth inning and all. Oh, and Kimmy is here, you know, the nekkid maid. Yeah. Call me."

I call the other brother. He answers with that smug grin on his face. Bastard.

Meanwhile, Kimmy is congratulating my roommate on what a clean apartment we have.

The other brother calls me back on the house phone, so I have both brothers on with me at the same time. Bastards.

I hang up on them, and Jill goes into her room. Kimmy and I share a short awkward moment, and Jill comes back out of her room with shoes and her purse. "Going to Ralphs."

"No! Wait, I've got to go with you! I have a shopping list here! I'll go with. Wait for me! Kimmy! Kimmy, thanks so much for coming out here, but, as you can see, we've got a pretty clean place, and don't really need your help, I don't think, but thanks for coming."

She tells me that the brothers have prepaid, so it's no big deal.

"Yeah, no. Thanks anyway. Have a great afternoon, though."

She leaves. My roommate cracks up. I pace.

But seriously, what are you supposed to do in this situation?

I mean, I'm not really into going to the strip-clubs, either. Did I ever tell you about the time in Maine I got a table dance to a Counting Crows song? Seriously. I did, however, make my stripper-friend laugh by pointing out the fact that she was doing a great job making a really slow, sad song into a sexy dance. The rest of the night I spent drinking and talking to my brother's roommate's girlfriend off to the side.

Strip clubs just aren't my thing. But at least there it's darker, with more people, less-personal. Here? It's noon in my apartment. It'd just be me, Kimmy, and my vacuum.

And did you ever see that episode of "Seinfeld"? The one with "good naked, bad naked"? When Jerry's new girlfriend is always naked, opening pickle jars in the nude and all. Yeah. Something about a random woman I don't know scrubbing my kitchen floor while in the buff sounds like "bad naked" to me.

"Uh, Kimmy, you missed a spot there, no, over on the left. Yeah, right there."

Seriously! That is not Josh-style.

So I turned her away. Then I felt bad. Would she feel rejected? Did she think I was mocking her?

I guess I can't be too concerned for her well-being.

And she seemed nice enough. She even offered to go clean my friend's apartment, since he already paid and all.

I guess she's just a naked maid with a heart of gold.

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