07/27/04 - Best Story Ever.

Wow, so that article yesterday was kind of a "Josh Against the Machine", eh? Actually "Josh Against His Machine", more specifically. Sorry about that.

Well this story will for sure make up for it. It's the funniest thing that I've heard in all of 2004. It originally came from two recent graduates of my own high school. Both seem like truthful young men, so I have no reason to doubt the veracity of the tale. I mean, one of the kids carried on his person Wuther's Originals. Isn't that the whole point of the Wuther company's advertising campaign? Truth, Justice and the American Way? A grandfather who's hugging his grandkids who're hugging a puppy that's draped in an American flag? Upstanding citizens to the extreme?

Anyway, the two kids bring up the prom from a few year back. Apparently one of the young women, in order to have a good time at said prom, takes some drugs. Muscle relaxants, to be precise. Equine muscle relaxants. Yup. She took horse tranquilizers. A whole fistful of them.

(I make a mental note, maybe taking horse tranquilizers will make my high school reunion in three weeks a little more bearable?)

Oh, and this young woman was "really hot". Uncharacteristically hot for our school. Crazy hot. They bring up one family in town who are all very attractive, and how even though one of the family's daughters was in that same graduating class, this horse tranquilizers girl was hotter than the attractive family's representative. She's hot.

For, after prom, she went back to the hotel room with her date. They end up having sex, and the guy passes out. When he wakes up, he, the bed, and everything on the bed, is covered in ... well, shit. She had shit the bed with her date in it.

My brother and I crack up! That is awesome.

But then the other kid, the one sans-caramel, chimes in. These guys are good. Like a well rehersed comedy duo. Yeah, she was so hot, he says. Pause for dramatic effect. I mean, she was so hot that her date even went back to the hotel with her.


Why's that?

Oh, because she had shit herself earlier that night.


Yup, the hotel room wasn't the first time that night she had lost bowel control. She had shit herself at the actual prom, too. She shit in her prom dress, and the guy still went home with her.

We die laughing.

Damn, she must have been really hot.

Oh, and yeah no, I'm not getting near any horse tranquilizers for my reunion.

07/26/04 - My Computer Hates Me.

This article was going to be triumphant. All day on Sunday I was thinking how great it was going to be to write this. For five hours I sat animating for Art Barn (my brother's company), thinking about this article. I was so excited to be animating! Helping my brother out! Now, granted, it was only text flying around on the screen, but I was the one making it fly around! I was animating!

The tricky thing is that Flash, running in OS X Classic, is kind of buggy. It crashed a bunch of times, so I made sure to save often. Don't want to lose anything. And I was so proud of my animating, I wanted to be able to show everyone.

Then my computer, and this is after animating for many many hours, froze. I forced quit (force quitted?) and restarted.

And when the little iBook came back up, the Flash document was not on my desktop.

I did I "Find" for it.

It wasn't on the hard drive.

It was gone.

Somehow the file just up and friggin' disappeared.

I started up from a CD I bought for $90 when I lost all of my digital photos the other week, and that couldn't help me. Again. (So don't give any money to Alsoft for "DiscWarrior". It's completely usless!)

Magically, mystically, the God-damned Flash file was erased from my computer.

I am so terribly upset. Still. As much as I love this computer, and love the iTunes, and love the portability of it all, it's a God-damned pain in my neck. Can you believe that I lost five hours of animating just like poof??

True, I'm still only running Jaguar (OS 10.2.8) since the crash the other week ... my friend Rachel still hasn't sent out the Panther discs I lent her forever ago. And I think Panther would be more stable, especially in Classic. But to just lose files, files that you've saved every ten minutes for five hours?!?!

Anyway, Daniel finished the animation, and it ended up looking much better than my stuff and he did it faster, too. But I was proud of my animation.

Now all I'm left with is being terribly pissed at my iBook ...

07/25/04 - Revenge of the Sith.

Yeah, all I'm sayin' is that Episode III sucks, it's going to be more like "Revenge of the Fans".

07/25/04 - Target Crazy.

So I went to Target the other day, what with my addiction to everything inexpensive and designy. It's about an hour from Daniel's house, but it's so worth it. Actually I got him some cook Tiki shit for his birthday. So it was totally worth it.

But the weirdest part was one of the workers. He had a mohawk. A real mohawk. Shaved sides, about two or three inches of hair spiked up. Very old-school. It was so odd. At first I thought he was just a shopper who happened to be wearing a red polo shirt and khakis, you know, the Target uniform. But then I saw him later on at a register ringing people up. He totally worked there.

Now, you'd think with a mega-corp like Target they'd have some kind of dress code of sorts. Disney theme parks have super-strict one, they call it "The Disney Look". It outlines what hairstyles are kosher, what earrings are, all of the way down to what nail polish and nail length is acceptable.

This kid had to have been breaking the Target rules. What a rebel. What a punk! Guess it goes with the hairstyle.

07/24/04 - 5000 Songs.

The other day I reached 5000 songs in my iTunes. (I didn't lose those in the crash a few weeks ago. Nope. None of my completely replaceable mp3s. Just all of my unreplaceable digital photos. Ugh.)

Anyway, I imported a bunch of my brother's CDs, and then I realized because I bought The Beastie Boys' To The 5 Boroughs two days before I left California I had never put it in my iBook. So track 6, "Triple Threat", was song 5000. That's 19.23 Gig of music. Awesome.

07/24/04 - DreamWorks Schmemeworks.

Someone asked me yesterday why I didn't comment on DreamWorks' Wednesday announcement of a public offering of its animation division. I honestly think they were looking for a rant - one of thoese good ol' fashioned Josh Against the Machines in the vein of my 1999 rant against SUVs. And with my complete hatred of everything DreamWorks, it seems like an easy fit.

But you know what? I don't care. I don't care at all about animation anymore. I don't care about Disney anymore. The Walt Disney Company has marginalized Feature Animation so much that they almost deserve to be trounced. They deserve for DreamWorks' "Sharks Tale" to make $200 million at the box office. They deserve for Pixar to go elsewhere for distribution. And Disney will come out with the direct-to-video, er, sorry, video premiere "Cinderella 3" and wonder why the Disney brand has gone to hell.

True, I feel bad for the many ... okay, few ... people left at Disney's Feature Animation division. They're getting no support from upper management, and every good idea that they have is being whored as soon as humanly possible. Look at "Lilo & Stitch". It's spawned crappy sequels and TV shows faster than executives are fleeing Michael Eisner's insanity.

Huh. Guess that was kind of a rant after all, eh?

07/23/04 - Two of my favorite breweries have merged!

Ahem, I quote, "Adolph Coors Co. and Canada's Molson Inc. announced a plan Thursday to combine their family-run breweries into the world's fifth-largest beermaker and better position themselves to pursue growing overseas markets."

Yes, the makers of Molson Canadian and Coors Light have merged to make a mega-corp with 11 percent market share in the States and a whopping 43 percent in Canada.

But most importantly, what types of improvements will we see for the regular, everyday consumer? Could a cross-over be in the works? Might we, in the near future, see brands such as ...


But why stop at beer? I think we need more mega-corp mergers. In fact, I had been working on a proposal to merge Hershey's with Pepsico. Take a look:



Hey, all I know is that I would buy them. But then again, I loved the Taco Bell Doritos. Such a sucker for a good branding cross-over...

07/22/04 - Wednesday McDonalds Lunch Lives!

So for like, four years or something my buddies in LA and I used to go to lunch at McDonalds every Wednesday. Well, I thought that tradition was dead when I moved across the country, but then yesterday we celebrated my brother's Birthday at McDonalds! Two of the teachers he used to work with came, too.

Sadly, the Windham McDonalds does not have a PlayPlace, so there wasn't any of that fun going on, but it was still good to semi-revive that semi-tradition.

07/22/04 - Another Great Candy Bar.

I don't know why I feel like I have to tell you every time I discover a new soda or a new candy bar, but I just do.

So the other day at Shaws Supermarket I discovered a new limited candy bar. Now, it's not as great as Hershey's White Chocolate with Almonds, which is like, the best idea ever. Sadly, I haven't seen that outside of that one time with Rachel in that weird candy store in Burbank. You know, the last time I wrote about candy bars. A couple of weeks ago. Just pretend like I have a life.

Anyway, the new candy bar I have discovered is the Limited Edition White Chocolate Almond Joy - Pina Colada.

As much as I usually don't like coconut, outside of rum and some desserts, pina colada flavored coconut, especially frozen, is really good. Add some almonds and white chocolate, and you have a fancy treat for Josh.

So that's all that I'm going to write for now. Well, until I find a new new candy bar. Or maybe until I find a store around Maine that has a stash of Hershey's White Chocolate with Almonds. Mmm-mm!

07/21/04 - Happy Birthday Daniel!

It's my brother's twenty-seventh birthday today! Yay Daniel!

07/21/04 - More Lauren

Here are a few more photos of Ms. Sanchez:

07/20/04 - Lauren Sanchez

So I was just re-watching Fight Club last night, and I noticed something. The newsreporter that first reports on "Project Mayhem"? It's Lauren Sanchez from Los Angeles' UPN 13!!

She's the one to the left of the creepy-ass dude.

Lauren Sanchez was always stuck on lame-ass UPN's 10 pm news, until last year she filled in for Jillian Barbarie on "Good Day LA" - Fox 11's morning show. You know, the lame chick from the Fox Football broadcasts? The one everyone says is really hot, but she's not? Yeah, so Lauren filled in for her, and I've been a huge fan ever since. Well, not fan enough to actually watch UPN News (back when I lived in LA) but still, a big fan.

So congrats Lauren. Congrats.

07/19/04 - Vice-President Me!

I know I said this back during the Democratic Primaries, but I really want John Edwards to do well in this election. Think about it. I'd be just one letter away from being Vice-President!

Who else can say that? (Well, besides my buddy Al Gire? Nobody! HA-HA!)

07/18/04 - At The Drive-In

The other night I went to a Drive-In movie for the first time in ... well, possibly twelve years. Not sure. I know that I saw "Jurassic Park" and John Goodman's "The Flintstones" together there, what, in 1992? Yeah, Crazy Holly, Zak, Daniel and I went after work at the restaurant. We might have gone since then, but I can't remember what movies we saw. So yeah, let's say it's been twelve years.

Anyway, the other night we saw Spider-Man 2 and Anchorman. Spidey was good, still don't like Tobey ... and Dunst is NOT Mary Jane. She's supposed to be a supermodel, dammit! If you passed Kirsten Dunst on the street she wouldn't even warrent a second glance!! I should know - we saw her once at the House of Blues on Sunset at a concert! No second glance!

But Alfred Molina was great as Doc Oc, and the whole Green Goblin thing was cool. (I won't give it away lest you're one of the three people left in the US who hasn't seen the flick.)

Anchorman was funny, in that "hanging out with your insane friends at 4 am after a long day together". It was giddy and goofy and very forgettable. But at the time it was fun. Steve Carrell as the really dumb guy was the most inspired bit. And the end credit bloopers ... wha?? Funny.

07/15/04 - Jessica Alba?

WHAT? Jessica Alba is going to play Sue Storm in the upcoming Fantastic Four movie? Jessica Alba?? The Invisible Girl? No! Hell no!

Now, I used to watch Dark Angel just for her. And when JillyB wanted to see "Honey" in the theater, I wasn't TOO opposed to it. But Sue Storm?!? No! Hell no!

Sue Storm is supposed to be A) older than however-old Alba is, B) Blonde in that painfully-white, Salt Lake City-Mormon kind of way, and C) Not hot. Jessica Alba is none of those things.

You know who would have been a good Invisible Girl? Nancy Olson. The girlfriend from The Absent Minded Professor (the MacMurry one, I don't even acknowledge Robin Williams post-Jumanji). She also played the mom in Snowball Express, one of my favorite movies.

She is Sue Storm. Alba? She should just wait for "Honey 2".

07/15/04 - Boston.

Went to Boston yesterday with my old roommate who was back East visiting her family. I hadn't been in Boston for five years! New Years Even 1998-1999 when I visited my college roommate and did the Landsdown St New Years Eve thing.

It was amazing how much had changed in five years. Lots of new Dunkin Donuts. Every corner. I used to think the city was at maximum saturation, and they managed to put in a few more.

Boston University doesn't look too different, besides the huge new Student Village they built right on the Charles River. Scary huge.

They finally got rid of the Gap right next to the BU Bookstore Mall -- er, Barnes and Noble at BU. Put in a Bertucci's. Damn. Also finally built a Blockbuster across from my old dorm in Kenmore Square.

We wandered up to Newbury Street, but amazingly enough didn't go into Urban Outfitters. And the two of us used to go to Burbank's Urban every three or four days together. Oh well. Next time.

Avenue Victor Hugo, my favorite used bookstore in the world, is gone, and it's so weird that Tower Records is now a Virgin Megastore. Mike would be pleased there's a Puma Store right across from Newbury Comics, too.

The city looked good. It was rainy, and cold-ish, but it still looked good. Like an ex that you see years later, you're happy for it, you notice new changes, and you kind of miss it a little, too.

07/15/04 - iBook and Backups.

Got the iBook working again. I copied all of the files to this hard drive Daniel had, reinstalled all of the system software, and then copied all of the files back to the iBook.

Well, not all of the files. Somehow every digital photo I had didn't get copied.

I lost over a thousand photos I'd taken since January.

I'm really pissed off.

07/12/04 - iCrash.

Yesterday my iBook died. Don't know why, how or what. It's very frustrating. Hopefully I can save all of my files and music somehow. Very frustrating.

The worst part? I've been scared of this ever since I got rid of my other computers. Finally I finally ordered an external hard drive from amazon. On Friday. It'll get here on the 16th.

Very frustrating.

07/09/04 - Good Cop Story.

Today I went in to the Maine Mall, specifically to go to Target as I hadn't been in three weeks and was having a serious withdrawl problem. I was breaking out into little hives that looked like the Target logo. Freaky.

So the drive home from said mall is what you'd term a "nice country road". Very rural, some gentle hills, winding corners, I think there's even a covered bridge off on one of the few sideroads. (Not kidding, totally serious.)

Anyway, the kid in front of me is wearing shades even though it's cloudy-rainy. And he's driving a Mustang. You know my theory on Dudes Who Drive Fast Cars, right? Over-compen-wha? Yeah. So the kid, who we'll call Lil Dick, speeds by me when the road is still two lanes. Of course, soon it's down to one narrow lane. But in two seconds he's up on the next car ahead of us. Swerving left, swerving right. Total asshole stuff.

Now I'm not saying that I never had road rage, or that I was never a punk teenage driver. But today was a good day. There's no LA-style traffic, in fact, even with overcast skies it was still a beautiful day, a couple of people had just mowed their fields, and the air smelled great, I had just had Pizzaria Uno's for the first time in like, years, and I had just been to Target! Almost as good as Rex Manning Day!

But yeah, LD in his Mustang was still cheesing me off.

His assholery continued until we hit Gray, where I turn left onto the River Road. He flips his blinker left, too. Damn. As LD pulled up next to the car he was so voraciously tailgaiting, a cigarette laden hand protruded from the window and proceeded to flip LD off. I could see LD making faces inside his car ... perhaps this was all some elaborate mating ritual?

Anyway, their light turned green, ours didn't yet, causing my little chum in the Mustang great consternation. Lots of revving of his engine. Finally green light, peel out, he's off in the distance before I'm in third gear. Gone. And good riddance.

Until this one straightaway, as we near Windham. I see him far off in the distance. And lo, what's that coming in the other direction? A Crown Victoria? And does that Crown Vic have a ski rack? A ski rack in July? No, no, that's not a ski rack. Those are police lights. I'll have to look when I get closer to him. Oops, no, that's not going to happen - it appears that he's flipping a U-turn in the middle of the road.


Lights flash, sirens blare. LD in the Mustang pulls all of the way over, onto the dirt, blinker on so the cops can pass. But they don't pass. They pull in right behind him. Sweet.

I wanted to cheer, or honk, or do some celebratory dance as I passed. But I didn't. I silently gloated. Then rushed home to write this all down.

And it was the best summer vacation ever.

07/09/04 - This is awesome.

Electronic Bugs Found in Eisner's Disney Office

posted 07/07/04

Two electronic bugs were found in Disney honcho Michael Eisner's office on the Burbank studio lot during a routine security sweep over the long July 4 weekend, according to a source inside the Mauschwitz exec building.

Upholstered furniture was also removed and replaced in the event further bugs were buried inside.

The tiny electronic transmitting devices were found on a credenza behind Eisner's desk and also under a small conference table.

Eisner routinely pays for a security sweep by electronics experts every few months out of his own pocket. This is the first time evesdropping bugs are believed to have been found.

The devices were analyzed by electronics experts and determined not to be the sort used by law enforcement authorities.

After some apparent internal disagreement, Disney officials decided not to alert the Burbank Police Department about the security breach. Disney is notoriously closed-mouthed with Burbank city officials about studio operations, and Burbank police are not allowed on the walled and gated studio lot unescorted.


07/09/04 - The Eagle Has Landed.

So I'm safe in Maine. The trip was a success. Yosemite was awesome! I took rolls of film. I'll have to drop some of them here, once I get settled in. Had some sleet on the way out of California. Crazy!!

Northern Nevada was bleak - I guess there's a good reason they built Las Vegas in the state - they needed something there to make it worth-while. I mean, other than the aliens at Area 51.

Wyoming was cool. Nebraska ... eh. Went through Lincoln, didn't see this chick, sadly.

Didn't see Mt Rushmore, afterall. That's okay, I hear that most of it's closed, anyway, due to the addition of Ronald Reagan construction.

Saw the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, no Weezer mention my ass! Well, they did have the big light-up =w= sign from the concerts in the lobby. Other than that? Nothing.

Had Dibella's in Rochest for lunch on Monday, was even better than I remembered. No Cherry Coke anymore, though. Punks.

And we got in late Monday night.

Now I just have to unpack and find a job ...

07/01/04 - A Big Old Mess.

Here's a mess of bits that I've been working on for the past few weeks. Hope some of them make sense.

07/01/04 - Happy Canada Day.

07/01/04 - Spider-Man 3?

Today Spider-Man 2 comes out nationwide. I'm sure it'll be huge. If Tobey McGuire doesn't want to do the next one, I hope they hire this guy:

07/01/04 - Go See This Movie!

Tonight a bunch of us went to go see Michael Moore's new documentary Fahrenheit 9/11. Everyone in the country should see this movie before November 4th. It should be law. Go see it!!

07/01/04 - Huh.

So I've been cleaning my apartment like a madman the last couple of days. Late last night I found the Senior photo of this woman that I had a crush on back in High School. Kate. She was a sweetheart. Anyway, on the back of the photo she wrote a little note to me. It's mostly cute in that high school way.

The last line really got to me late last night, though. "I'll be looking for your name on the Disney credits when I take my kids to the movies!!"

She already has one child that I know of, and I've had my name on three Disney features.

It really hit me. I've done what I always wanted to do. I achieved my goal. I won.

Maybe I'm not a failure, after all ...

07/01/04 - TV Ideas.

On the way back from Vegas today Mike and I had some wacky TV show ideas. Now, granted, we'd been together at this point for well over a full day. And we tend to get wacky.

I had the sitcom idea of a proper English butler who has to work in one of the cheesy casinos on the border in Primm, NV. It'd be called "Primm & Proper".

Then Mike came up with "Prim and Propa" - which would be a similar stuffy butler who gets stuck with a hip 'urban' rapper MC Propa and they have wacky adventures together.

I still like my idea better. Oh well.

07/01/04 - New Candy Bars.

The other night I was on a date (with a lady, thnakyouverymuch!) and we were wandering the streets of Burbank, as I am oft to do with my lady-friends. She wanted to go into that weird little Candy/Beany Baby store over by Fuddruckers. I'd never been in there.

Well, we went in, and I found the two best candy bars. Zero and Hershey's White Chocolate with Almonds. Zero has nougat covered with white chocolate (my favorite) and, well, if I have to discribe Hershey's White Chocolate with Almonds to you then ... well that's just sad.

07/01/04 - Telemundo.

Monday night I found a great new show ... on Telemundo. I have no idea what it's called or what it's really about. I think it's called "Protagonistas de la Fama - VIP". Somehow it's like "Big Brother" - but with really hot people. I don't know if they're all famous, or if they want to be famous, but they're all really hot.

This is the woman that they kicked off Monday night - I think her name is Dorisima.

Telemundo really needs English subtitles - or SAP with English dubbing.

Either way, flipping between that and MTV's new "Faking the Video" provided me a whole evening of entertainment.

07/01/04 - Yankees.

Tonight my buddy Darrin took Mike, me, and one of his co-workers to the Dodgers / Yankees game. Darrin and Mike were rooting for the Yankees, and us other two were rooting for the Dodgers. Or against the Yankees. Whatever.

Here are some photos of the event, with special guest stars Kobe and Jack ...

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