Good morning! Hope you all had a happy Labor Day. I did, but that's a subject for another column. This morning I feel like writing about my recent breakup. Yes, again. I promise that this will be one of the last times I write about this. Seriously. I can't imagine how boring this is for you all, how you really want to hear about people getting shot in my apartment building or Lizzy McGuire or my parents being oddballs or soda and more soda. I'll get back to the stupidness and silliness. Soon. For reals.
And now on to the recent breakup.
See, I went home for Labor Day weekend, which involves several flights in this post-September 11 airline economy. Other than sitting on the tarmac with no AC for forty-five minutes in Chicago's 95 degree heat, having a lady in my aisle change a poopy diaper right in front of me, having the same said lady breast feed her little one not once but twice right in front of me, the worst experience had to be Bruce Almighty.
Yes, it was a bad movie. But more than that, it reminded me of my now EX-girlfriend.
I know, I know, everything from black Jeep Cherokees to "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" to every love song in the book reminds me of her. But, now hear me out, Jennifer Aniston has always reminded me of her. Lots. Seriously. They are both short, they both have the same coloration, the same hair colors, the same nervous, twitchy, self-conscious energy. I think they're both cute as hell. I've always thought that Rachel should end up with Chandler on Friends, mostly because I try and be Chandler at any moment possible. See, even the way I wrote that. You can imagine Chandler saying that, right?
I rest my case.
So anyway, yeah, in the movie Jim Carrey's character Bruce is a loser and kind of a jerk, Jennifer Aniston's character leaves him, he's sad, he wins her back, they're happy at the end.
I so hate cheesy Hollywood romances.
My girlfriend leaves me, we still work together and are friends. Not very Hollywood. There's very little drama, other than me crying all of the time - but that really doesn't work well on the big screen. And I've held out for the past three and a half weeks that maybe she'll come back to me. True, there's some stress in her life right now, I mean, stress other than dating me. So maybe if that calms down, then she'll get back with me. Maybe she'll miss me, the real me. Kind of like Jennifer Aniston and Jim Carrey in the movie.
But then last night we hung out, and it was pretty much spelled out for me, it's over. O-V-E-R. I think we'll be friends, but mostly at my doing. I think she just wants other people. And that doesn't happen in the Hollywood romance. Can you imagine that? In the end of Bruce Almighty Jennifer Aniston's character starts to date the other news reporter, and at the end Bruce is alone and crying. Wouldn't that be so weird?
That's my life. Except I'm not Jim Carrey. I'm just me. Alone.
Last Updated on: September 3, 2003
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